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"The Moments in Between" began long before I ever walked into a dance space and started exploring with several stunning movers.

It has shifted. It has been lost. It is being explored on a new continent. It travels.

          I have always had a love of all things mystic. The allure of the unknown. Constant questions and possibilities that are provided in a world of fantasy. I would like to think that I approach life as an adventurer. A longing protagonist on a lifelong quest seeking grand treasures through experiences that eventually shift into memories that hopefully fail to fade away. The adventure of creating this work came from a large list of personal experiences, but more so originated from a flame glowing from a small white candle and my love of witchcraft, magic, and spells. I developed an unintentional ritual almost every evening where I would come back to my small room with ambient purple pink lighting, essential oils diffusing, candles flickering, and my love of indie and eccentric music blaring. It was here I could find time to sit with my thoughts and think on the work I was to create. While getting lost in the dance of a flickering flame from a small white candle, I became curious about creating a ritual onstage. How could I invite an audience to be a part of this ritual alongside the possibility of movers? How can I cast a spell? What kind of spell would I want to cast? Would I cast it on the movers, the audience, or myself? Alongside this longing for more magic in my life, I was coming to terms with my the shadow self. The part of myself I had hid away due to patriarchal norms, fear, past harmful experiences, and many other reasons. I began to research the topic through the psychological studies of Carl Jung, a fictional series by Brandon Sanderson: The Stormlight Archives, Northern Lights by Phillip Pullman, and conversations with colleagues and family. The conversations questioning or confirming the idea that there is another side to many of us that is shrouded in mystery from others and ourselves.

          There are a lot of negative expectations that are placed on the idea of the shadow self. The word of shadow alone puts it in a place of darkness and unknowing. While there is definitive studies and psychological research that focuses on the negative aspects of the shadow self: subjectively being anger, sadness, cruelty, and bad habits, conversely there is a balance. These traits can be independence, emotional sensitivity, perseverance, or survival. The list can continue for both negative and positive traits of the shadow self being entirely subjective to the individual and their personal experiences. Jung focused on how the shadow self could be a part of us because of our primitive nature or instincts. He went on to suggest the idea of the collective shadow that took hold of large societies or groups and how they could be harmful due to intentions and size.  However, the focus of my explorations became about the integration of the shadow self and how I could I expose this to potential movers. What were the possibilities of movement that came from this shadow self? Better yet, could we navigate to these darker areas of ourselves collectively? Finding a route that leads to a deeper understanding of who we are and why?

          I became fascinated with my shadow self and started to "lean" into it as a daily practice. This became a quest of self discovery. I believe I was only able to access my shadow because of the distance from my family and the anonymity that London provided. Being in an artistic environment that provided a place to ask questions without fear of judgement while providing feedback, as well as, in a city that supported individual expression more so than the areas I grew up in, enhanced this exploration. I decided to name my shadow self Harper. I would strictly identify as Harper when dating, meeting strangers, or out on explorations in the city. I noticed a shift in the clothes I would wear, the music I preferred, and how I approached tasks or people. I was far less fearful and was more curious. I felt more awareness and honest in myself. I spoke freely with my focus on intention and integrity of conversations. It came to a point where I had thought I accepted my homosexuality, but truly didn't accept myself until I identified my shadow and let it hold it's magical place within. It blossomed inside and found its place while creating a balance that always seemed lacking.  The fears that once controlled and directed me seemed menial. The idea of who I was as an artist formed , as I would have never called myself an artist before this work, and that I could change at anytime was definitively alright. I was able to to say, " I love myself," for the first time in twenty nine years of existence. There was a power in this. It was exhilarating and I wanted to share it with all those that may not have the awareness yet. These personal explorations melded with my original thoughts on rituals, spells, witchcraft, and lead the way into "The Moments In Between."

"Everyone carries a shadow and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is... It may be, in part, one's link to more primitive animal instincts, which are superseded during early childhood by the conscious mind."  (Jung 1992)

     With this quote in mind I knew where to start and began working with fellow colleagues on a score I had previously used with former students called the The Beast Exercise.

 

 

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          The score was used when I would introduce former students to composition and improvisation in class. My original thought was by eliminating the sense of self it would allow more freedom for the student to explore without getting in their own way. I realized over time there was more to this score when some students would step into parts of them I had never seen. Movement habits would shift and something new would emerge. I would discover so many treasures: hobbies, fears, loves, disappointments, and almost always their favorite color and why.

           I always begin with many sheets of paper, a large number of colored pencils, and usually some ambient music to set a tone. This was the first score that lead the first few weeks of rehearsal.

*These drawings above were the collaborators first beasts. 

        The creation of our beasts became part of the weekly time together. This would change from mover to mover. It also varied on how they were feeling that day and at the specific time of the rehearsal. The Beast exercise being the starting point, I now needed to slowly move them away from the score and into creating the collective that I wanted to see the individual beasts eventually turn into.

          While being referred to Phillip Pullman's Northern Lights by Professor Erica Stanton, I found myself being pulled into the fantasy world where all humans had a familiar that was linked to them called daemons. When parts of intensity, strong emotions, or physical violence may have occurred in the series of books, the daemons seemed to be the ones reacting to these moments. The humans obviously had the control but in moments the daemons would save or alter their experience. They often represented sides of the humans that would normally be hidden. I correlated the daemon with the shadow self as there were many similarities between both. The daemon/shadow being the one to help in moments of danger, in moments of passion, or in terms of control. There was reference that these fictional people should not touch one another daemon's without the permission from the person to whom the daemon belonged. This reminded me of a quote I've always adored," Find someone whose demons play well with yours." With how we hide our shadow selves, or suppress many parts to only reveal it to those we learn to trust. We never learn to reveal these traits at all thus limiting our existence and shifting how we use our time. 

          In Brandon Sanderson's , The Stormlight Archives, a very similar relationship can be seen between humans and magical otherworldly creatures called Spren, which are small parts of nature that bond with their chosen humanoid being. Their entire relationship being codependent and when one is affected both receive the affects. The honest exploration and acknowledgment of  one's self dramatically changed how the lead characters navigate the world and are granted unique abilities based. The would enhance their abilities as they became more honest with who they were shifting their paths accordingly. Swearing ideals and "doing the work" resulted in a balance between their gifted parts of nature and their physical selves. I found the shadow representation in more adult themes and darker moments but the acknowledgment of when balance is explored between the light and dark of who we are leads to aligning with our true ideals and selves. 

          After a discussion with my mentor, Dr. Joanne 'Bob' Whalley she suggested to create a weekly ritual. This fell in line with what first peaked my interest and truly shifted the tone of the rehearsal space. I asked that everyone come into the space finding a place in the room and closing their eyes. I would let music play, chosen at random, that I believed might help focus or direct energy. Mostly music that was used for meditative purposes. I would let them just be for fifteen to thirty minutes. Taking time to feel, breathe, and be still. I would join in this moment with my fellow collaborators as I believed we needed to share these moments together. I would suggest a gradual coming out of the score by bringing awareness slowly back to specific body parts conclude this ritual. This score become the first part of every rehearsal moving forward and the eventual start of the work.

       

 

 

 

 

           Following the starting ritual I would ask the movers to pick any space, close their eyes, and direct them through drawing their individual beasts in their minds. Suggestions of body shapes, limbs, colors, number of eyes, and habits changed weekly as I fed them ideas to hopefully help navigate the drawings they created in their minds. I would then set an environment by describing a scene. I presented environments that they could live in. I presented worlds full of glowing trees, luminescent rocks, blaring suns, or deep oceanic depths. Through the feeling in the air, possible smells, colors of plants, or the time of day I would enlist ideas coming from using our senses to help create movement in the beasts. I got to witness bodies shift, arch, and mold into these beings gradually and organically. I was fascinated and easily fell in love with how these working bodies would adapt. Shifting to their own individual perceptions of how their beast may or may not navigate these fictitious habitats. I challenged the movers to bring in noise and curious what may happen. I later got rid of the idea cause it didn't seem right and became too much on top of the movement. The movement was enough. 

As the beasts would interact their unique choices in creation would become play between one another just like two different animals interacting in the wild. Though a lot less predatory and more cohabitation and curiosity

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      This repeated process continued for several rehearsals allowing a sense of comfort to develop between the movers. This allowed for an extension of time in the score until it felt there needed to be an ending. This ending would come naturally and the movers would eventually come out of the score on their own or find an ending moment. I would alter how and where they would start moving and change the music to ASMR sounds, Disney sing alongs, tribal percussion sounds, and alternative hits. I was curious how this would change and alter the movers as beasts. Over time the interactions shifted and molded without any instructions; creating a score similar to flocking. I decided to call this phrase of scored movement "Building the Family." I was focused on this being the intention of the score moving forward because it naturally shifted from individual solo discoveries as beasts to ensemble explorations. Movement seemed to blossom from the subjective-foreign beings and then would shift to a humanoid collaborative experience with traces of the beasts they once were. Moments seemed exciting yet eerie. Revealing moments of what we would know as humans to moments that seemed off, distant, or unnatural. It felt more like a coven creating something unknown. The play was evident and the collective experience would last almost the entire two hours of rehearsal. The process almost seemed to go on forever and could become durational. The natural discovery of this seemed priceless and earned its place as part three of the movement.  The movers shared a collective experience that shifted on the day but throughout the hours of rehearsal seemed to always have a sense of care between the movers. They a familial awareness when something was or was not working. Their eyes shifting to check the score and at times leading to flocking sections and follow the leader movements. It was simple yet effective and earned its place in the work while leaving it completely open to whatever came naturally to the movers. I did not want this moment changed as the moments were the perfect representation of mortality, the now, and differences melting together in a wondrous pot. 

           The frame of the work finalized and fell into place when Professor Eforsini Protopapa offered a score to the master students to present our work to someone as if we were telling a friend. Letting the performance be placed in the past. The idea of metamorphosis and birth struck me as a good place to begin as it was a beginning. In this state we are deemed pure, unknown, yet placed with many implications on how or what we should be. Words that came to mind were bound, tightness, evolution, time deciding our moments, unknown, space, and history. Through our early years we are shaped and molded like clay to suit the needs of many standards we are lacking in control of. This started the work in the space where the ritualistic part of the weekly practice normally was held.

          The beast score reminded me of early childhood years and how we play off our instincts, our curiosities, and yearning leaning to survive. The primal instincts taking a large part of our growth. What intrigued me more was the childlike focus many young infants and youths engage in. The ability to look at the world with fresh eyes experiencing so much for the first time. The reactions, fears, and laughter of these possible moments eventually fading and dulling with familiarity. This would become the second part of the work.

            Being adolescents or young adults, the notions of conforming and growing to meet the needs of those around us seem almost essential to survive. The societal, religious, and patriarchal norms that are laid upon us as if they are the only way to exist and succeed in our existence. This would become the third part of the work: the beast score turning into a flocking inspired score. The focus more so being on the gradual transition, metamorphosis. 

      

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         Looking over the score I developed an ending that I was eager to pursue, but I will let that be lost because it was. We never got to experience that together as collaborators. You may read it above as it was filled with ideas of nostalgia, mortality, and the beautiful chaotic experience of life. Within several rehearsals of putting all this together and about to start on the exploration of the ending we had to end this process because of the Covid-19 pandemic. 

_______________

All seemed lost once the pandemic hit. 

I broke.

I cried.

I let it lay dormant.

I felt selfish.

My health become worse and overbearing.

I lost balance. 

I explored elsewhere, no longer understanding what I was seeking.

_______________

I started to go on daily treasure hunts. This involved going for a walk to escape from the entrapment of my room and my thoughts.

 Score: Go on a walk with no intention of direction, follow the feelings to lead you where to go, and seek treasure. 

Treasures Found:

 - a unicorn lunchpail.

- a red jelly bean.

- light splitting through the trees and creating a dance on the forest floor.

- "July" by Noah Cyrus and Leon Bridges.

- very many wooden structures built from long sticks... like a lot.

- a hidden pond. 

- a family of cygnets to which I got to see grow over three months.

- a common full of laugher.

- a lost sailboat carried by the wind.

- a thinking stump.

- a windmill cafe that refused to move with the wind.

- new walking pathways so people kept distance.

- newly formed paths created by social distancing.

- house keys with a red tag resting upon a branch.

- 2 lost golf balls without owners.

- the light dancing on the forest floor again and again. *this was my favorite.

- that is best to walk in the forest when its raining, on a Tuesday and you are alone.

- forest dominated by luscious green ferns that reminded me of Jurassic Park.

- forgiveness.

- hidden smiles that could be seen in the squint of eyes.

- kids laughing.

- that rolling down a grassy hill still is just as fun as it used to be. It just hurts more.

- a monolith.

- stopping to eat wild blackberries is a sour experience and can cut you up.

- kites are still a joyous occasion.

- a standalone cherry blossom tree in a quiet meadow.

- diet pepsi = nostalgia 

 

      

Dr. Joanne 'Bob' Whalley proposed a score focus on using my fingers as I delved into virtual worlds to explore. To get lost.

I attempted to dance in my domestic space with a focus on texture. 

I applied for over 163 jobs during a global pandemic... I landed the 164. 

_______________

The headaches became worse.

I continued to explore.

I slept more.

I collaborated in three thesis works from amazing colleagues.

I broke rules and shared a picnic.

My stomach issues became worse.

I gave away my belongings.

I planted seeds only to kill the young plant.

I packed my bags. 

I explored virtual galaxies.

I looked back one final time.

I returned home.

I truly realized how much a dog can teach you about the world, life, and how to move.

         

 

 

 

 

         

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With all that has happened this year... there is something inside that persists on letting me know this was how it was always meant to be.
          Returning home I found the comfort I needed in the chaos of my health concerns. I found support and understanding that is physical and a plenty. What this in between time stretching from rehearsals to merely hours away from performing my thesis has taught me is that there is so many glorious things to do, see, or be. You just have to be paying attention. That so many gems pass us by and we overlook them. This includes ourselves. Pay attention to what the shadow half says or feels. Acknowledging our good and our bad. Step or jump in fully. I prefer to jump. Embrace moments because they are fleeting. Listen with endearing ears, perked up, because what a beauty it is to hear. See with eyes wide open recognizing the colors that stream into two squishy balls in your head. Touch, with consent and clean hands, because perhaps we weren't feeling enough and this pandemic was the perfect reminder of that. Smell for it can take us places instantly, reminding us of things perhaps we have forgotten. Taste because cake...wine.

 

This is the Moments in Between.

I left America because I lost who I was.

I left London finding who I was meant to be. 

I cried.

I lived.

I loved.

I found my treasure.

and god damn, I moved with all my heart. 

I will do my best to always remember, to follow the teachings I have been taught that were always more than dance, and to remember all the beautifully chaotic moments in between that remind us of the ever fleeting now.

Are you paying attention?

The Moments In Between

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References

Abramović, M., 2020. How To Drink A Glass Of Water. [online] Youtube.com. Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MI9b4bC7Mk> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

Barnes, S., 2020. Land Artist Surprises Beach Goers By Leaving Striking Stone Arrangements Along The Coast. [online] My Modern Met. Available at: <https://mymodernmet.com/jon-foreman-stone-land-art/?fbclid=IwAR0o3aID40qzJ3OKogdCNFJhK3KS9fwbW3NboBNew0HQsxQoJxOaW56p-mQ> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

Bausch, P., 2020. [online] Youtube.com. Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q22Zdh8w4q4> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

 

Edmunds, B., 2009. Stand In. [online] Vimeo. Available at: <https://vimeo.com/9960964> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

Johnson, R., 2014. Owning Your Own Shadow. [Place of publication not identified]: HarperOne.

 

Jung, C., 1992. Psychology And Religion. New Haven: Yale University Press, p. 131.

 

Lee, R., 2020. CIRCADIAN | ROSEMARY LEE - Danceeast. [online] DanceEast. Available at: <https://www.danceeast.co.uk/performances/circadian-

2020-rosemary-lee/> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

 

Pullman, P., 2009. Northern Lights. [Place of publication not identified]: Chivers.

 

Sanderson, B., 2011. The Way Of Kings. London: Gollancz.

 

Science Education, 1957. Jung, C. G. Two essays on analytical psychology. New York (17 Union Square) : Meridian Books, 1956. 347 P. $1.35. 41(5), pp.440-440.

 

Youtube.com. 2020. [online] Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvmQiWpgX5c> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

 

Youtube.com. 2020. Carl Jung And The Shadow – The Mechanics Of Your Dark Side. [online] Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?

v=cGQ7LSAQwo4> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

 

Youtube.com. 2020. Monarch Butterfly Metamorphosis Time-Lapse FYV 1080 HD. [online] Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvmQiWpgX5c> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

 

Youtube.com. 2020. "To Have And To Hold" - Shapiro & Smith - Dance Revolutions 2005. [online] Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USIQ_1i2Qjc> [Accessed 17 December 2020].

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